SWEET!

So, like, I finally got LiveWriter back…  For a while I couldn’t get into this blog account, cuz I had set it up with Windows LiveWriter, and completely forgot the password.  It wasn’t until I tried to set up a second account with the same e-mail address that I was able to get back in.

Anyhow, just wanted to point out that blogging will now be a heck of a lot easier!  WHOO!  Yay, and stuff.

*facepalm*

I just did something stupid. I did just about the stupidest thing I can think of right now. Beyond stupid. Idiotic, even.

I've never done well in public situations. I hate working customer service because I don't like talking to people that I don't know. I invest WAY too much into the situation, emotionally speaking, so I usually end up beating myself up for saying or not saying something in particular, or generally just making a fool of myself by NOT speaking at all or something equally dumb. I dunno. It's ridiculous. I can communicate perfectly well - when I don't have to look the person in the eye. Even with friends, I have a difficult time not getting extremely nervous when someone is kind and generous enough to give me their full, undivided attention. It makes me uneasy for some reason.

So you can probably guess that celebrity contact is a HUGE no-no for me. I can't deal well enough with normal people, God forbid I should ever meet someone famous! I almost did once. My dad took us to a free PFR (Pray for Rain, big 80s-90s Christian band) concert and went to meet them afterwards to tell them how excited he was that they were back to putting out music (they'd been on a hiatus for a while, but that's not important). I hid behind him the entire time and kept my eyes firmly fixed on the ground in front of me.

I did slightly better when my mom and I went to see Ted Dekker. I got him to sign my mass-market copy of Thr3e. He smelled it first (odd?). But what I really wanted was to tell him what an inspiration he was to a budding young author. I didn't. I hate myself for that, but it's in the past and there's nothing I can do about it now.

Well, idiot that I am, approximately two hours ago I did the worst thing imaginable. I put some of my graphic design artwork out there for celebrity review. There's this band, Big Time Rush, that has a show on Nickelodeon. My mom's a big fan. We watch their show, listen to their songs. They're really cool. I like their music. Definitely one of Nick's better investments (since they so ungraciously took Roundhouse off the air without so much as a DVD release... :P). Anyway, they've got their first album coming out in October, and preorders opened up, I think today. The band's really excited about it.

I don't know why, but I have a Twitter account. Honestly, the only thing it's good for is celebrity stalking. And yes, that is what it's called. I follow quite a number of famous people, Nathan Fillion, NPH, the Jonas Brothers, Bridget Reagan, Kevin Stea, and the cast of Chuck, just to name a few... I also follow the members of BTR. Earlier tonight, one of them, Carlos, posted that he wanted his fans to make him a new background for the preorder. Something he could use as his bg, and he'd follow whoever made the best one.

Now I figure you can see where the stupidity comes in. First thing I thought was, "Oh, hey, I do graphic design! Why not?" So I did my thing. I went photo hunting, threw something together in about twenty minutes, uploaded it to one of the twitter photo apps, and sent him a link. And then I realized what I'd done. I'd put my personal artwork out on display for some really famous guy with over 30,000 fans to look at and to judge.

Can you say STUPID?!

Skittery: I can.

Rags: Shut up.

So yeah. I feel sick to my stomach now. My hands are shaking. My head is spinning, and it hurts. I know much better than to attempt sleep at this point. Even though he probably won't come to a decision for some time yet. Maybe not til tomorrow, at least. And I feel awful about it. But honestly, it's not like I'm some ridiculous fangirl begging for attention. But I feel so stupidly fangirlish with the way I seem to be reacting. In the end, though, it's really more along the lines of self-conscious than anything. I'd LOVE to see my work up on some celebrity's twitter background. That would totally make my day. But there's a lot of emotional investment here, because it IS my work. Sure, I didn't spend a lot of time on it, but I did put a lot of effort and every drop of talent that I seemingly posses into this piece, because I didn't want to submit some half-a** job.

And, I mean, come on. This would be about the equivalent of Michael Goorjian reading Making a Living. Or, really, any celebrity reading any fanfiction out there about their movie or tv show or book or whatever. Just to put this into perspective for my fellow fanfiction writers out there. So I think I have every right to at least be a little nervous.

Still. I cannot help but think that this has got to be the most stupid, whimsical, idiotic thing I have EVER done in my entire life!

Curtain Call

So last night was the closing performance of what I have decided was my final show. Things have become way too stressful and dramatic in a place that was supposed to be my sanctuary away from the stresses and drama of life. Acting was my get-away, my break from reality (I eat through books too quickly for them to do me much good in this department). Over the past two or three years, rehearsals themselves have been an experience all their own. The amount of drama I've gone through since Little Women in 2007 has more than made up for the fact that I dodged it all through highschool (being homeschooled certainly has its benefits). Unfortunately it has now colored my entire perception of our little community theatre group.

Not that my leaving is out of any kind of bitterness. After all, I stuck to my commitment and finished out this last show. But it certainly opened my eyes to the real issue at hand. In essence, I've grown up. And I feel like this whole thing that happened, whatever it may have been, was like God's way of telling me, "Okay, you're done here, time to move on." As sad as that is, I can't deny the fact that the door is, indeed, closing. In my face. Which is totally my fault for trying to get back in when I'd already stepped out.

Not only that, but since Godspell in 2008, when it really became like a family for me, I started trying to make myself content living in this little backwater town for the sake of my newfound family. I put dreams on hold because of that. Few people may realize this, but I have always wanted to live in a big city, New York specifically. I guess it comes from always having lived out in the middle of nowhere (I mean, honestly? Sixteen years in Euharlee of all places?). I literally grew up here. And recently, my passion for travel has been resparked. Call it obsession if you like, and I'll be the first to agree with you, but there's no denying the fact that there has to be some reason I'm so attracted to it. It may sound weird, but I dream of the hustle and bustle of big city life. The sluggishness of southern living has just about driven me insane by this point.

Of course, you need a purpose in life, and that's what I'm still looking for. And I feel that's yet another reason to step back. I'll be starting up school again in the fall, three classes to a quarter, and I still have to maintain my part time job in the middle of all this. Frankly, I won't have time for most anything else. But it's all for the dreams. I'm studying to become something of an artist. No, it's not art school. But it's ad design at a really good tech school, and it's practical, and I can get a really good job in less than two years. I mean, honestly, advertising is one of the few industries that isn't suffering right now. I'm still not sure where all of this fits in with God's grand scheme, but to be completely truthful I was always more of the lead-by-example type to begin with, anyway. And either way, I still think this is the direction He's leading me. Maybe the road doesn't go all the way to NYC, but it certainly goes somewhere. And if it really does stay right here, well I can be happy with that when the time comes. Because it's not one of those "I can't stand to be here any longer" things, it's more of a "I really think there's more for me out there" kind of thing.

So anyway, we'll see. At any rate, I'm going to miss so many people so very much, several of which I hadn't had much time at all to get to know, which saddens me greatly, and a whole bunch that I've known very well and for quite some time, which also saddens me greatly. Many I've lost touch with and who will probably be none the wiser, some I don't know very well at all who might notice whether I realize it or not, and some who haven't got a clue. I'd like to think that my presence will be very sorely missed, but to be totally honest, I really think they'll do just fine without me. I mean, come on, it wasn't like I was the best one on the boards anyway. But either way, I wish them all the best of luck in life, and many broken legs in future performances (which I will do my best to attend). I promise no hard feelings. And I pray that they never forget what they stand for and for Whom they ultimately perform.

And curtain.

Who Loves You?

Who loves you pretty baby?
Who’s gonna help you through the night?
Who loves you pretty mama?
Who’s always there to make it right?

Who loves you?
Who loves you pretty baby?
Who’s gonna love you mama?
Who loves you pretty baby?

(Ah, ah, ah) When tears are in your eyes
And you can’t find the way
(Ah, ah, ah) It’s hard to make believe
You’re happy when you’re gray
Baby, when you’re feeling like
You’ll never see the morning light
Come to me
Baby, you’ll see

Who loves you pretty baby?
Who’s gonna help you through the night?
Who loves you pretty mama?
Who’s always there to make it right?

Who loves you?
Who’s gonna love you, love you?
Who’s gonna love you?
Who loves you?
Who’s gonna love you, love you?
Who’s gonna love you?

(Ah, ah, ah) And when you think
The whole wide world has passed you by
(Ah, ah, ah) You keep on trying
But you really don’t know why
Baby, when you need a smile to
Help the shadows drift away
Come to me
Baby, you’ll see

Who loves you pretty baby?
Who's gonna help you through the night?
Who loves you pretty mama?
Who's always there to make it?

Who loves you?
Who's gonna love you, love you?
Who's gonna love you?
Who loves you?
Who's gonna love you, love you?
Who's gonna love you?

Baby
Baby
Doot-doo-doot
Come to me
Baby, you'll see

Who loves you pretty baby?
Who's gonna help you through the night?
Who loves you pretty mama?
Who's always there to make it?

Who loves you?
Who's gonna love you, love you?
Who's gonna love you?
Who loves you?
Who's gonna love you, love you?
Who's gonna love you?

--Who Loves You? by The Four Seasons

Judgment

I had a good long talk with a very good friend of mine who happens to be an excellent psychologist.  Basically he was talking me through a bunch of stuff I’ve been going through and helping me see how to better handle it.  Well, we got to the subject of my insecurities, of which I’m afraid I have many.  Most of them, however, fall under the general category of worrying what people think of me.  I know it’s really very stupid, especially when I get worked up about how someone views me who I have never seen nor will ever see again in my life.  But there you have it.  I am terrified of being judged.  I can’t stand the thought that someone might think I’m rude, or insensitive, or stupid, or selfish, or high maintenance.

Of course, when asked why I have these insecurities, I couldn’t give an answer.  I had absolutely no clue.  And then it hit me.  It’s because I don’t want to be them.

You know that verse in the Bible that says, “Do not judge others, or you yourself will be judged”?  I always thought that it meant you would in turn be judged by God, or that someone else might be judging you the same you are judging them, or worse.  But in this case, the only person judging me is me.  Because I hold complete and random strangers to such a high standard in my mind, I tend toward holding myself to the same standard, often resulting in tagging myself with problems and issues that do not, in fact, actually exist.  Such as automatically assuming that someone will think I’m being rude, or that I’m demanding.  Both of which are traits that I know I don’t possess.  Not tryin to brag here, just being honest.

Now, this isn’t to say that I judge everyone this way.  Like I said, it’s almost always with people I don’t know.  So don’t worry, it’s not like I’m saying I think bad about you all the time or anything.  And I’m not sitting here asking for pity.  That is probably the last thing I need right now, honestly.  I’m just speaking my mind.  Something I’m trying very hard to do more of lately.  I just thought it was very interesting, not to mention a little shocking, how much I pin on myself because I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite.  If I just stopped judging people to begin with, I wouldn’t have this problem of passing judgment in turn on myself.

*shrug*  Comments and/or questions are welcome.  Iz jest ramblin…

Hooray life…

So my car blew up last night, as I’m sure most of you heard.  Not literally of course.  It started pouring white smoke out of the engine, and then it started making this grinding sound every time I hit the gas pedal, and then it started overheating.  Fortunately I was able to make it back home before anything dangerous happened.  We think it might be the radiator, but can’t get anyone to look at it until this weekend.

I personally just think it would be more beneficial to everyone involved if I just got a new car, or at least a newer one.  So.  Anybody know of any cheap used cars for sale?  I don’t really have a price range at the moment, seeing as how I don’t really have that kind of money on hand right now, plus I really don’t know how much money I should look into spending on a car.  I do know that it needs to run.  And I’d like for it to be an automatic (seeing as how I have no clue how to drive a manual.  I could learn, but…).  And I’d also like for it to have WORKING AIR CONDITIONING.  I’ve driven around all summer with no air and it SUCKS!

But yeah.  If anybody knows of anything or hears anything, please let me know.  Or if you have any advice on vehicular purchasing, it would be greatly appreciated.

Ragdoll

Ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh (Oo-oo-ooh)
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh
Ahh, ah-ah-ah-ahh (Ragdoll, ooh)
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

When she was just a kid her clothes were hand-me-down
They always laughed at her when she came into town
Called her ragdoll, little ragdoll
Such a pretty face should be dressed in lace

Ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh (Oo-oo-ooh)
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

I’d change her sad rags into glad rags if I could
My folks won’t let me ‘cause they say that she’s no good
She’s a ragdoll, such a ragdoll
Though I love her so, I can’t let her know

Ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh (Oo-oo-ooh)
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh
Ahh, ah-ah-ah-ahh (Ragdoll, ooh)
I love you just the way you are