Curtain Call

So last night was the closing performance of what I have decided was my final show. Things have become way too stressful and dramatic in a place that was supposed to be my sanctuary away from the stresses and drama of life. Acting was my get-away, my break from reality (I eat through books too quickly for them to do me much good in this department). Over the past two or three years, rehearsals themselves have been an experience all their own. The amount of drama I've gone through since Little Women in 2007 has more than made up for the fact that I dodged it all through highschool (being homeschooled certainly has its benefits). Unfortunately it has now colored my entire perception of our little community theatre group.

Not that my leaving is out of any kind of bitterness. After all, I stuck to my commitment and finished out this last show. But it certainly opened my eyes to the real issue at hand. In essence, I've grown up. And I feel like this whole thing that happened, whatever it may have been, was like God's way of telling me, "Okay, you're done here, time to move on." As sad as that is, I can't deny the fact that the door is, indeed, closing. In my face. Which is totally my fault for trying to get back in when I'd already stepped out.

Not only that, but since Godspell in 2008, when it really became like a family for me, I started trying to make myself content living in this little backwater town for the sake of my newfound family. I put dreams on hold because of that. Few people may realize this, but I have always wanted to live in a big city, New York specifically. I guess it comes from always having lived out in the middle of nowhere (I mean, honestly? Sixteen years in Euharlee of all places?). I literally grew up here. And recently, my passion for travel has been resparked. Call it obsession if you like, and I'll be the first to agree with you, but there's no denying the fact that there has to be some reason I'm so attracted to it. It may sound weird, but I dream of the hustle and bustle of big city life. The sluggishness of southern living has just about driven me insane by this point.

Of course, you need a purpose in life, and that's what I'm still looking for. And I feel that's yet another reason to step back. I'll be starting up school again in the fall, three classes to a quarter, and I still have to maintain my part time job in the middle of all this. Frankly, I won't have time for most anything else. But it's all for the dreams. I'm studying to become something of an artist. No, it's not art school. But it's ad design at a really good tech school, and it's practical, and I can get a really good job in less than two years. I mean, honestly, advertising is one of the few industries that isn't suffering right now. I'm still not sure where all of this fits in with God's grand scheme, but to be completely truthful I was always more of the lead-by-example type to begin with, anyway. And either way, I still think this is the direction He's leading me. Maybe the road doesn't go all the way to NYC, but it certainly goes somewhere. And if it really does stay right here, well I can be happy with that when the time comes. Because it's not one of those "I can't stand to be here any longer" things, it's more of a "I really think there's more for me out there" kind of thing.

So anyway, we'll see. At any rate, I'm going to miss so many people so very much, several of which I hadn't had much time at all to get to know, which saddens me greatly, and a whole bunch that I've known very well and for quite some time, which also saddens me greatly. Many I've lost touch with and who will probably be none the wiser, some I don't know very well at all who might notice whether I realize it or not, and some who haven't got a clue. I'd like to think that my presence will be very sorely missed, but to be totally honest, I really think they'll do just fine without me. I mean, come on, it wasn't like I was the best one on the boards anyway. But either way, I wish them all the best of luck in life, and many broken legs in future performances (which I will do my best to attend). I promise no hard feelings. And I pray that they never forget what they stand for and for Whom they ultimately perform.

And curtain.