*facepalm*

I just did something stupid. I did just about the stupidest thing I can think of right now. Beyond stupid. Idiotic, even.

I've never done well in public situations. I hate working customer service because I don't like talking to people that I don't know. I invest WAY too much into the situation, emotionally speaking, so I usually end up beating myself up for saying or not saying something in particular, or generally just making a fool of myself by NOT speaking at all or something equally dumb. I dunno. It's ridiculous. I can communicate perfectly well - when I don't have to look the person in the eye. Even with friends, I have a difficult time not getting extremely nervous when someone is kind and generous enough to give me their full, undivided attention. It makes me uneasy for some reason.

So you can probably guess that celebrity contact is a HUGE no-no for me. I can't deal well enough with normal people, God forbid I should ever meet someone famous! I almost did once. My dad took us to a free PFR (Pray for Rain, big 80s-90s Christian band) concert and went to meet them afterwards to tell them how excited he was that they were back to putting out music (they'd been on a hiatus for a while, but that's not important). I hid behind him the entire time and kept my eyes firmly fixed on the ground in front of me.

I did slightly better when my mom and I went to see Ted Dekker. I got him to sign my mass-market copy of Thr3e. He smelled it first (odd?). But what I really wanted was to tell him what an inspiration he was to a budding young author. I didn't. I hate myself for that, but it's in the past and there's nothing I can do about it now.

Well, idiot that I am, approximately two hours ago I did the worst thing imaginable. I put some of my graphic design artwork out there for celebrity review. There's this band, Big Time Rush, that has a show on Nickelodeon. My mom's a big fan. We watch their show, listen to their songs. They're really cool. I like their music. Definitely one of Nick's better investments (since they so ungraciously took Roundhouse off the air without so much as a DVD release... :P). Anyway, they've got their first album coming out in October, and preorders opened up, I think today. The band's really excited about it.

I don't know why, but I have a Twitter account. Honestly, the only thing it's good for is celebrity stalking. And yes, that is what it's called. I follow quite a number of famous people, Nathan Fillion, NPH, the Jonas Brothers, Bridget Reagan, Kevin Stea, and the cast of Chuck, just to name a few... I also follow the members of BTR. Earlier tonight, one of them, Carlos, posted that he wanted his fans to make him a new background for the preorder. Something he could use as his bg, and he'd follow whoever made the best one.

Now I figure you can see where the stupidity comes in. First thing I thought was, "Oh, hey, I do graphic design! Why not?" So I did my thing. I went photo hunting, threw something together in about twenty minutes, uploaded it to one of the twitter photo apps, and sent him a link. And then I realized what I'd done. I'd put my personal artwork out on display for some really famous guy with over 30,000 fans to look at and to judge.

Can you say STUPID?!

Skittery: I can.

Rags: Shut up.

So yeah. I feel sick to my stomach now. My hands are shaking. My head is spinning, and it hurts. I know much better than to attempt sleep at this point. Even though he probably won't come to a decision for some time yet. Maybe not til tomorrow, at least. And I feel awful about it. But honestly, it's not like I'm some ridiculous fangirl begging for attention. But I feel so stupidly fangirlish with the way I seem to be reacting. In the end, though, it's really more along the lines of self-conscious than anything. I'd LOVE to see my work up on some celebrity's twitter background. That would totally make my day. But there's a lot of emotional investment here, because it IS my work. Sure, I didn't spend a lot of time on it, but I did put a lot of effort and every drop of talent that I seemingly posses into this piece, because I didn't want to submit some half-a** job.

And, I mean, come on. This would be about the equivalent of Michael Goorjian reading Making a Living. Or, really, any celebrity reading any fanfiction out there about their movie or tv show or book or whatever. Just to put this into perspective for my fellow fanfiction writers out there. So I think I have every right to at least be a little nervous.

Still. I cannot help but think that this has got to be the most stupid, whimsical, idiotic thing I have EVER done in my entire life!