Judgment

I had a good long talk with a very good friend of mine who happens to be an excellent psychologist.  Basically he was talking me through a bunch of stuff I’ve been going through and helping me see how to better handle it.  Well, we got to the subject of my insecurities, of which I’m afraid I have many.  Most of them, however, fall under the general category of worrying what people think of me.  I know it’s really very stupid, especially when I get worked up about how someone views me who I have never seen nor will ever see again in my life.  But there you have it.  I am terrified of being judged.  I can’t stand the thought that someone might think I’m rude, or insensitive, or stupid, or selfish, or high maintenance.

Of course, when asked why I have these insecurities, I couldn’t give an answer.  I had absolutely no clue.  And then it hit me.  It’s because I don’t want to be them.

You know that verse in the Bible that says, “Do not judge others, or you yourself will be judged”?  I always thought that it meant you would in turn be judged by God, or that someone else might be judging you the same you are judging them, or worse.  But in this case, the only person judging me is me.  Because I hold complete and random strangers to such a high standard in my mind, I tend toward holding myself to the same standard, often resulting in tagging myself with problems and issues that do not, in fact, actually exist.  Such as automatically assuming that someone will think I’m being rude, or that I’m demanding.  Both of which are traits that I know I don’t possess.  Not tryin to brag here, just being honest.

Now, this isn’t to say that I judge everyone this way.  Like I said, it’s almost always with people I don’t know.  So don’t worry, it’s not like I’m saying I think bad about you all the time or anything.  And I’m not sitting here asking for pity.  That is probably the last thing I need right now, honestly.  I’m just speaking my mind.  Something I’m trying very hard to do more of lately.  I just thought it was very interesting, not to mention a little shocking, how much I pin on myself because I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite.  If I just stopped judging people to begin with, I wouldn’t have this problem of passing judgment in turn on myself.

*shrug*  Comments and/or questions are welcome.  Iz jest ramblin…